The 5 Steps of Facebook Withdrawal....

Recently my wife sweetly pointed out that perhaps I am consumed by checking my Facebook account.  I denied that this was true.  She then pointed out that an addicted person always denies their addiction.  I then announced that with my super willpower that I would not log onto Facebook for one week.  I lasted 5 days.  The following is my account of what will now be known as the 5 Steps of Facebook Withdrawal.  I have have assurance from the scientific community that it will be published in a really, really, really, important journal soon.

Step 1.  Anxiety.... It started innocently.  I logged off my computer, discontinued my email notifications and logged off my android phone.  That wasn't so hard I thought. I promptly went to bed thinking this is a breeze.  Woke up the next morning, took my shower, got dressed, poured a cup of coffee and ate my bowl of gluten free rice chex. I sat down and booted up the computer, immediately my promise came to mind.  No logging on to Facebook today.  My palms instantly got sweaty and a small wave of anxiety rolled through my body.  "No big deal, who cares that I'm not on Facebook today?"   Off to work, whistling as I left the house.

Step 2.  Denial.... Funny how little things disrupt your day.  I own a smart phone, generally in layman's terms it means that the phone I own is smarter than me.  I usually keep my Facebook logged in during the day and on occasion I will check it at work just to make sure that nothing important has happen, oh say in the last hour or so.  "Oh well, I'll just be in the dark today" I nervously chuckled.  Actually, come to think of it the laugh was more maniacal than whimsy.  Later in the day I picked up my phone to call about an appointment I had made and instead of touching the phone button I touched the Facebook icon which instantly opened to the log in screen. There's that maniacal laugh again.

Step 3.  Self Affirmation.... Do you remember Stuart Smiley on SNL?  Everyday he'd look in the mirror and repeat, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me"  In this step you must move pass the need for constant affirmation.  The day begin as usual but I noticed that I wasn't as cheerful as usual, that my cereal didn't taste quite right, "I'll need to note that on Facebook" I thought, "I feel certain other peoples cereal didn't taste good this morning and they'll like my status"  Wait, I can't post my status. Am I the only one who had a crappy bowl of cereal this morning?  How will I know that I'm normal?  How will I know that people "like" me?"  I decide to look in the mirror and repeat, "I'm good enough, I'm smart.........

Step 4.  Hallucinatory state.... This occurs about day 3 continuing into Day 5.  Did my computer just flash the Facebook log in screen?  No, No, I'm still on yahoo.  I swear it my laptop was closed when I walked out of the room and now it's opened to the log in screen for Facebook.  I look at Sarah.  She looks a little evil.  I think maybe she's taunting me over there on her Macbook laughing and smiling at all her friend's posts from today.  Did she just wink at the screen?  I ease myself out of the room slowly hoping that she's unable to smell the fear in my sweat. I'm sweating alot so I don't go to my computer.  I don't because the keyboard might get soaked and ruined.  I'll call my kids, that's what I'll do they'll comfort me.  Wait who put my phone on the Facebook log in screen?  Why is my Facebook icon flashing?  Why won't my phone let me make a call?  Has Sarah done something to it too?  I wonder if Sprint is in on this?  I wish I could talk to Mark Zuckerberg right now he'd make them stop.  My hands are shaking now, I have the stench of desperation around me.  People are looking at me strange now all the time, whispering posts I"m sure.  Thoughts keep running through my mind.  I keep getting an error message over and over telling me my thoughts are limited to 420 characters.  "Mark Zuckerberg is Satan" is going to be my first "post" I feel certain.  Why has my boss suggested I take some time off?  I think my friends will have some "comments" about his attitude.

Stage 5.  Bliss..... I log in on my phone.  I get an error message three times.  Has my account been deleted?  No, no I've just misspelled my email address.  Must be my shaky hands.  I'M LOGGED ON!  WOOHOOO!!!!!!!    Pure Bliss!   The world is right!  I lasted 5 days.  I mean that's a business week right?  I have great willpower.  I think I'll post that right now.....